Alice's adventures in Cambridge

The Harvard lampoon, 1913 - 61 頁

Alice's Adventures in Cambridge by Richard Conover Evarts
Introduction

illustrated by E. L. Baron

In all fiction there is no character that delights the hearts of both young and old more than Alice. The collaborators in this small book cast their product on a cold unfeeling world with the utmost apologies to Lewis Caroll and John Tenniel; and with an ill-nourished hope that those who read will do so with a lenient eye. The idea was conceived of transplanting Alice to Cambridge, and there showing her some of the strange things that may be found in that peculiar place. She found many curious creatures and had many wonderful Adventures.
These few chapters appeared first in the "Harvard Lampoon"—that Prince of humourous papers. They have now collected themselves, and here stand ready to meet the fierce glare of publicity.
Cambridge, Mass., June 17, 1913.

Alice was just about to enter one of the tempting little shops with purple socks and ties in the window, when she saw the White Rabbit hurrying across a mud puddle. She ran after him, and caught him just as he reached a curbstone.
"Please—" she began.
But the White Rabbit did not even turn his head.
"No, I haven't any pennies," he said.
"But I wanted to know—" said Alice.
"Oh, it's you, is it?" the White Rabbit said, turning round blowing a huge cloud of smoke from his pipe into Alice's face. "Well, come on."
"Where?" asked Alice. "To the Infection Meeting, of course," said the White Rabbit, starting off at a rapid pace.
"But I don't want to be infected," Alice said, as she ran after him. "I've had the mumps once, and the measles, and so many other things."

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"Ah! But you haven't had probation yet," said the White Rabbit, "and you'll catch it sure if you don't go to your Infection Meetings. I'm a Sophomore, and I ought to know. Come on." "Who will give it to me?" asked Alice, feeling a little alarmed.
"The Queen, of course. Come on."

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Alice didn't like being ordered around in this way, but she followed the White Rabbit, who led her to a room filled with animals of all kinds sitting on benches. At one end of the room was a platform where a large frog sat behind a desk. He was a very young-looking from, Alice thought, but he looked so severe that she sat down quietly beside the White Rabbit.
The frog, after looking more severe than ever, suddenly began to write very fast on a blackboard behind him. Alice tried to make out what he was writing, but it seemed to be chiefly nonsense. It ran something like this:

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"If, other things being equal, the level of prices should rise, and thus falling create a demand and supply with, and as which, would you consider this a division of labor? If so, when, and in what capacity? If not, why not, and under what circumstances?"
As soon as he had finished, all the other animals produced paper from nowhere in particular, and begin to scribble as fast as they could. Alice noticed the Lizard, who was sitting in the front row, was the only one who wrote anything original. All the others copied from his paper, and crowded round him so closely that Alice was afraid the poor little creature would be smothered. Meanwhile the frog looked at the ceiling. "He couldn't look anywhere else, the poor thing," thought Alice; "his eyes are on the top of his head."
About two seconds had passed when the frog called out "Time!" and began to gather up the papers. When he had collected them all, he took them to his desk and began to mark them. He marked the first one A, the second one B, and so on down to F, when he began over again with A. All this time he kept his eyes tight shut. "So he will be sure to be impartial," the White Rabbit explained to Alice.
After the marking was finished, the frog handed the papers back to their owners. The White Rabbit, who had written nothing at all, had a large A on his paper. The Lizard, however, had an F on his.
"A," said the White Rabbit to Alice, "means I wrote an excellent paper."

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"But you wrote nothing," objected Alice.
"Nothing succeeds like success," said the White Rabbit, and hurried away, leaving Alice a little puzzled.
Meanwhile all the animals except the frog had disappeared.
"Would you mind telling me," began Alice, feeling that there ought to be some conversation, "why you—"
"Certainly not," said the frog, handing her a book. "I think you will find this a very able exposition of the subject."
Alice opened the book, and finding it to be poetry, she read the first piece through.

JABBERWOCKY

'Twas taussig, and the bushnell hart
  Did byron hurlbut in the rand
All barrett was the wendell (Bart.)
  And the charles t. cope-land.

Beware the Münsterberg, my son!
  'Twill read your mind—you bet it can!
Beware the Grandgent bird, and shun
  The frisky Merriman.

He took his bursar sword in hand:
  Long time his neilson foe he sought—
So rested he by the bernbaum tree,
  And stood awhile in thought.

And as in coolidge thought he stood,
  The Münsterberg, with eyes of flame,
Came spalding through the perry wood,
  And babbit as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The bursar blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He santayanad back.After carefully stepping over all the mud-puddles, Alice at last reached the sidewalk, and to her astonishment saw a large cat bowing and smiling before her.
"Good morning, sir," said the cat, "anything for Max to-day?"
"I didn't know cats could talk!" cried Alice in surprise.
"I'm a Keezer Cat. All Keezer cats can talk," replied the cat, grinning more than ever; "anything for Max to-day?"
"Who is Max, and what does he want?" Alice asked.
"This is Max," said the cat, and disappeared with a bow.
Alice walked on another block, and was about to turn down a side street, when she was startled by a voice saying, "Anything for Max to-day?" and, turning round, saw the Keezer Cat at her elbow.
"Goodness!" cried Alice, "I wish you wouldn't frighten one so. You almost made me jump out of my skin."
"I wish you would jump out of your skin," the Keezer Cat replied, "then I'd buy it from you. After you had jumped out you wouldn't need it any more, you know."
"But I don't want to sell my skin," said Alice. "It's too useful."
"I'll give you fifty cents for it," the cat said, "and be robbing myself at that."
Alice paid no attention to this remark. She thought it sounded bloodthirsty, and, feeling a little afraid of being skinned alive, she hurried on. When she came to the next corner, there was the cat again, grinning as much as ever.
"Come, I'll match you whether I pay you a dollar or nothing," said the cat, edging up very close.
"How do you happen to be on every corner?" Alice asked, hoping to change the subject.
"I live on street corners," replied the cat, "and I'll give you seventy-five cents for your skin, on the spot. It would ruin me to go any higher."
The insistence of the animal frightened Alice so much that she began to run. After she had run what seemed like at least three miles, and jumped over about a thousand puddles, and overtaken and passed eighteen street-cars, she came to a stop in front of one of the strangest looking objects she had ever seen. It looked very much like an egg, and yet it certainly was a person, for it had eyes, nose, and mouth, and even a moustache. It was seated on a high board fence on which there was a sign with "NO PASSING THROUGH" on it in large letters.
"You can't pass," cried the creature as Alice approached; "that is, unless I allow you to. Nobody can pass without my help."
"Whom have I the honor of addressing?" asked Alice.
"Humpty Dumpty of Manter Hall," said the creature, extending his hand. "How do you do?"
Alice could not help repeating to herself the old nursery rhyme:

"Humpty Dumpty of Manter Hall,
If it weren't for you we'd go to the wall,
All the Dean's office and all the Dean's men
Would be forced to double their business then."

"Are you coming to my Seminar?" asked Humpty Dumpty after a pause. "A Seminar is a place where you can learn in three hours what it takes a Professor three months to teach."
"How very convenient," Alice said. "Could you explain something now for me?"
"I already know what you are going to ask," said Humpty Dumpty. "From long practice in foretelling examination questions I have become a regular clairvoyant. You were about to ask me why I am a Widow. Because men may come, and men may go, but I go on forever, of course. That's too easy. Ask another."
"But that isn't my question at all," said Alice. "I just wanted you to explain some poetry I read this morning. This is how it went:

"'Twas taussig, and the bushnell hart
Did byron hurlbut in the rand
All barrett was the wendell (Bart.)
And the charles t. cope-land."

"Nothing is easier," Humpty Dumpty replied. "Taussig means gusty, showery weather. A bushnell hart is an animal—a cross between a Bull Moose and a walrus. It has bushy hair, and lives on its reputation. To byron hurlbut is to pounce on people and worry them unreasonably. A rand is a classical place, unknown to many, and situation somewhere in the Sabbatical. Barrett is an adjective used to denote any member of the Royal Family of England. A wendell is a comparatively literary rarity indigenous to the English court. Bart. is English for Baronet. A charles t. is a kind of cherub which lives on cheap cigarettes and strange customs. It can be brought to bay in its lair any time during the morning. Copeland is the past participle of a verb meaning to fly about in eccentric circles. Is there anything else I can tell you?"
"No, thank you," said Alice, "you are very kind, I am sure."
"Now you owe me thirty dollars," Humpty Dumpty said. "You had better make out a check."
"Dear me," said Alice to herself, "I never saw such mercenary creatures in my life."
Then a bright idea came into her head.
"Would you mind making out an itemized bill?" she asked.
"Certainly not," Humpty Dumpty replied, and taking out a large fountain-pen, began to write. While he busied himself thus, Alice slipped away, and was soon lost to sight among the red oak saplings.
After running a little way through the woods, Alice stopped in surprise before a table which was set out under a tree. The table was laid for at least thirty people, but only three were sitting at it. Alice immediately recognized the Hatter and the March Hare, and the third she was quite sure must be the Dormouse, as it was fast asleep. The Hatter wore a very high hat covered with eight or ten hatbands of various colors. As soon as he saw Alice he cried out, "Radcliffe not admitted!"
"But my name isn't Radcliffe," said Alice, as she took a seat.
"Nobody said it was," the Hatter replied.
"But you looked at me," said Alice.
"That was unavoidable," said the March Hare. "Nobody looks at Radcliffe students for pleasure."
"I don't think much of Nobody's taste then," said the Dormouse, waking up.
"Come, come," cried the Hatter, bringing a huge mallet down on the table with a crash. "The meeting is called to order."
"This is a meeting of the Student Council," the March Hare explained to Alice, "and we are the Student Council. At least," he said pointing to the Dormouse, "he is the Student and we are the Council."
"Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa," murmured the Dormouse sleepily, and was immediately silence by the Hatter hitting him over the head with the mallet.
"That's his way of apologizing for being here," said the march Hare. "You see he's neither athletic nor prominent."
"I suppose you are both," said Alice politelyy.
"No, I'm only athletic," replied the March Hare. "He's really prominent though," he went on, pointing to the Hatter. "See all his hatbands."
"Yes," said the Hatter proudly. "You see, this style of hat allows me to wear them all at once."
"But I don't see the object," said Alice.
"The object is plain enough," the March Hare said; "it is right underneath the hat."
"Order!" shouted the Hatter. "There is a motion before the house. All those in favor say aye. The ayes have it. The motion is carried."
"What was the motion?" asked Alice.
"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter.
"Then I don't see how you can carry it, if you don't know what it is," said Alice rather impatiently.
"I didn't carry it. I passed it," the Hatter replied.
"But that's the same thing," said Alice.
"Not the same thing at all," said the March Hare. "You might as well say that a forward pass is the same thing as a touchdown."
"You might as well say," the Dormouse drowsily murmured, "that to pass with an A is the same thing as to fail with an E."
"You might as well say that the Crime is the same thing as the penalty," said the Hatter.
"It is the same thing, if you read it," said the March Hare.
Alice was silent. She felt somehow that they were all talking nonsense.
"Now," said the Hatter after a pause, "we will turn to the very important question whether straw hats should be worn by the Student Body before the first of April."
"Is that as important as to decide who should be the manager of the Chess Team?" asked the March Hare.
"Well," said the Hatter judicially, "it certainly ought to come before the question of Freshman nominations."
"Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa," the Dormouse began, and would have gone on indefinitely had not the March Hare shoved under its nose a large volume on Political Economy which so absorbed the little

Literature, Film, and Theatre Studies

2012年7月22日星期日